A perverse inspiration for this is my officemate, DeWayne.
DeWayne moved to this country from Nigeria about 20 years ago and exemplified the classic American immigrant story of working crappy jobs while going to night school in order to provide a better life for his family. DeWayne fell into the world of software testing, and he is currently being paid a handsome sum as some sort of testing expert--but, in reality, he spends most of his day managing the string of gas stations he owns in Maryland. DeWayne takes his job easy because, truth be told, he doesn't need this job. He could quit tomorrow and just run his businesses.
And here's the kicker: DeWayne is terrible at IT. I had to work with him to put together some instructional materials and I was shocked at his inability to understand basic software concepts. We ended up working on multiple versions of the same files because he seemed to find the concepts of document versioning unfathomable. I then had to repeatedly (and never quite successfully) explain the process of importing audio from one piece of software and slides from another piece of software into a third piece of software that stitched them together.
But how stupid is he? He owns four gas stations and could retire from the 9 to 5 tomorrow--whereas I basically break even every pay day. So I am leaning towards buckling down and actually "taking my career or another level"... or whatever. I don't want to be rich: but I do want to not feel like I'm two paychecks from calamity...
The process of buying the house was fraught with all sorts of anxiety. We moved in about a month ago. Today I bought a new faux-Oriential rug from Ikea for my office. The room is taking on a weirdly Moroccan look. I bought a dog bed so Buck can look up at me adoringly while I fuck around on the internet. It makes me realize just how much I miss having my own place and my own room. I am feeling more settled than I have in a long time. It's a feeling I've longed for.
The gallbladder was removed two months ago but my father continued to deteriorate. Three weeks ago he passed out in his doctor’s office and was promptly rushed to the hospital. His legs had became so swollen that they were literally oozing water or “weeping” as the nurses put it. His heart had become so weak he could no longer pump out his body fluid.
The Friday before last, the news had actually been good: my brother told me that he seemed to be rallying and there was talk of letting him go home soon. It seemed the medications we're starting to do their job. Then quickly things went south. On Saturday, he woke up confused in the middle of the night and ripped out a tube, spilling blood all over the floor.
On Sunday, he lost the ability to control his arms and legs, which twitched incessantly, and he could no longer keep food down. He was showing signs of multiple organ failure. In short, he had begun the process of dying. And even five years ago, that’s probably what would have happened. But the doctors performed emergency cardiac surgery, placing a temporary mechanical device that would assist his heart in pumping. It was the day of my parent’s 54th wedding anniversary.
The procedure bought him enough time to get him to the point where he could have the proper surgery, which installed a mechanical pump to assist his left ventricle.
But how much time is really left? I spent most of last weekend visiting with him in ICU. He is covered with tubes and monitors and still spends a good portion of the day sleeping. Though he is largely lucid, after he wakes up he often seem confused. The doctors say that "ICU psychosis" is a common and hopefully transient affect of this kind of surgery.
Each member of the family is dealing with my father's mortality in a different way. My mother, who has always been a tough cookie, adopts a very Midwestern attitude of "this is bad but I have certain responsibilities." My brother's is stoic in a different way: he bring his notebook and looks up every piece of jargon the doctors mention. My sister, however, is more fragile. Our father is, unfortunately, a large portion of her social world and prefers denial. She believes everything will soon be back to normal.
But I could see in my father's ideas that he is spooked by his brush with death. He said to me: "It's like I was visited by the grim reaper--and would have been taken away if four cardiologists hadn't been standing in my hospital room."
For myself, I know that my father's time is very limited. But more than that, the main thing that brought tears to my eyes as I spent time with him was the haunted look in his eyes. Though I am overjoyed he has been given this extra time, at moments I wonder if it's cruel to force my father to experience dying two times.
I couldn't help but dredge up those childhood memories of telling the other boys that my father was the strongest, smartest and wisest man in the world-- and it was infinitely sad to see how frail and gray and worn he had become in just three months. My father had always told me how much he hated hospitals because he and his brothers spent two year taking shifts besides the bed of my cancer-ridden grandfather. And with that hospital smell in my nostrils and the sound of monitors beeping in my ears, I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by a sense that life was fundamentally sad.
When I say I am trying to catch up on the great books, of course, what I mean to say is I am catching up on respectable books that won’t bore me to tears. I doubt that my last dying regret will be that I never finished a Thomas Hardy novel or never got around to reading Look Homeward Angel. At this point in my life, I am seeking a sweet spot between duty and pleasure—which is also, incidentally, how most married people approach their sex lives. The most egregious oversight I think has been To Kill A Mockingbird, which I never read because it was never assigned--and then I plugged the gap with Gregory Peck.
That will come soon enough. But in the meantime, prepare yourself for the awesome might of some perfunctory reviews of some books you probably read when you were 14.
As I creep along the Mall I never fail to be surprised by the succession of world-famous landmarks. There’s the Capitol Building, there’s that National Gallery of Art, and there’s the Smithsonian Castle. And as I get closer, I can see the Washington Monument and the White House and the Lincoln Memorial. Other times my path takes me along the Tidal Basin, where I can see both the Jefferson and Washington memorials reflected in the water. Even after all this time, I still frequently stop and stare at the reflection of the marble on the water for a few seconds before moving along. Sometimes I amuse myself with thought that I am biking through the back of various coins and bills.
Having grown up in suburban Pittsburgh--seemingly 10,000 miles away from anywhere important--Washington, DC seemed less an actual city than a media construct. It was where this mythical being known as “the president,” a man I knew to be imbued with superhuman powers, resided. The place seemed about as real to me as Oz. In my adult life, I've tended to live in the second banana: not Massachusetts but Connecticut, not Seattle but Portland, not Arizona but New Mexico, and not New York but Philadelphia. To live in a place of undeniable importance is fascinating and novel.
I suppose those inclined to DC are a different breed from those inclined to NYC. People drawn to New York are those drawn to extremes of experience. But for my taste, the archetype of the perfect city is not New York but London. I prefer grace and cultivated urban beauty to the endless hyperactive rush of Gotham. I have always held with Evelyn Waugh: “For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy.” New York always seemed like a place to visit to me. At the same time, I always assumed I would despise Washington. I assumed that the egotism and hassle and bureaucracy would irk me. I am surprised at how much I enjoy being able to dip into a museum on a whim (today I saw Michelangelo's Apollo-David sculpture at the National Gallery). I love that the boundary between Rock Creek park and the National Zoo is murky; you can just sort of stroll in and visit and elephant an stroll out. I like the Boston-like historic neighborhoods and the tracts of green that permeate the city. And, having moved back into the city, I like that the things I like are a just a few Metro stops away.
Yoko is still frustrated at her job and keeps threatening to find a gig elsewhere. But one of my goals for 2013 is to get whatever else I need to get out of DC so that if opportunities arise elsewhere I can say that I had the experience I was meant to have in DC.
We finally made it into town only to discover that Asheville was a thriving--and marketedly bohemian--small city. Nearly every street corner in the central business district was occupied by musicians, mostly with a folk/Americana bent. Given the city's Appalachian heritage, I suppose this emphasis on the folk music isn't so surprising. Walking through downtime, we heard a rich variety of folk styles: rootsy old-timey stuff, country-influenced Austin City limits stuff, early 60s collegiate folk stuff, bluesy stuff, singer songwriter-ish stuff. Our little stroll felt like a recapitulation of the entire history of 20th century American folk music.
As we turned onto College Street, the city's main drag, we encountered a sextet that looked like it had stepped out of a 1963 hootenanny:
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In an abstract way I can see why IT could be interesting: it can involve a kind of Sudoku-like sense of playing puzzles. For me, however, I despise the way it feels entirely divorced from any sort of human meaning. By the time the work comes to me, it's an abstraction grafted onto a process grafted on to bits of data. It can feel like living inside an entirely artificial world, a world whose outlines seem wholly man-made and arbitrary.
It doesn't help that I've gone months at times without any work to do. During these periods of downtime, I've spent an inordinate amount of time browsing the web and, at this point, it's really all I want to do. Tearing myself away from Failblog and Slate to do work that seems utterly artificial is becoming increasingly difficult.
Last night I found myself thinking about the tasks I had waiting for me at work. I feeling of dread came over me. And so I decided to do something rare for me: play hooky for no reason. So I made up an egregious lie about why I was going to be out and sent it to my boss.
At the end of August I become fully vested in my retirement. This will mean a difference of between $5,000 and $10,000 in my retirement account. Definitely worth holding out for. But I've decided that when August comes I will start looking for another job. With the job market the way it is, I may have to settle for another IT job for now. If I can just cut down my commute, which is 60 to 70 minutes a day, that will be an improvement.
I am also considering going to graduate school. Though I haven't decided definitely what I want to study, but I know that I want it to be a little more practical than a humanities degree. I've spent a lot of time this year dwelling fields of study that would represent the best compromise between fun (American Studies, Folklore, Historical Preservation) and useful (Finance, Business, IT.) Not an easy line to straddle.
Admittedly it's been 30 years since I've attended Sunday school, but I can't believe how much about the New Testament I've forgotten. Did you know that Judas was followed by tanks and fighter jets and that the Apostles traveled by bus? And that most of the gospels were accompanied by dancing and singing--and that the first Christian music sounded a bit like Blood, Sweat and Tears? (The perfect crucifixion band name, if you ask me.)
After the Quakers, I think the Jesus Movement Christians are my favorite brand of Christian. Strumming their guitars and growing their hair long and rappin' truthfully with the youth about peace and love and helping the poor. Though most of the songs are terrible, in this weird way I think Jesus Christ, Superstar captures the spirit of Christ better than any other movie ever made--let alone the Jew-blaming filth that Mel Gibson manages to put out. (Though Jesus Christ, Superstar indulges in its own little bit of nasty race baiting too.)
Anyway, behold, the apotheosis of Christ:
Stanley is 85 years old and no longer as spry as he used to be. Once particularly known for his banjo picking--a three finger style sometimes known as "Stanley style"--he as now largely given those duties over to another banjo player.
Dr. Ralph Stanley (he holds an honorary doctorate in music from Lincoln Memorial University in Tennessee almost 40 years ago) is probably best known for contributing to the soundtrack of the Coen Brothers O, Brother, Where Art Thou? It was Ralph Stanley who sang "Man of Constant Sorrow" for the fictitious Soggy Mountain Boys. Man of Constant Sorrow is also the name of his autobiography.
Though his fingers looked obviously wracked from age, he did play one song on banjo. He played it clawhammer style, an older less demanding style than Bluegrass.
No longer able to really able to keep up with a bluegrass band--a difficult enough task for the young and energetic--Stanley seemed to manage by turning his band into a family affair. He seemed to share bandleading duties with his grandson, a portly young man, only 20 years old, who seemed to compensate for his obvious callowness by wearing a spectacular rhinestone-studded suit.
Stanley's son, Ralph Stanley Jr., also joined to promote a new single, a rather unprepossessing tune called "Bluefields."
The song I remember most clearly from O Brother, Where Art Thou? is "O Death." This song is an ancient dirge originating from the southern mountains of Appalachia. It is the weariest and most direct song about death I've ever heard. The song begins:
'O, Death. O, Death.
Won't you spare me over 'til another year?
Well, what is this that I can't see
With ice cold hands takin' hold of me
Well I am death, none can excel
I'll open the door to heaven or hell
'O, death' someone would pray
'Could you wait to call me another day?'
The children prayed, the preacher preached
Time and mercy is out of your reach
I'll fix your feet 'til you can't walk
I'll lock your jaw 'til you can't talk
I'll close your eyes so you can't see
This very hour, come and go with me
I'm death I come to take the soul
Leave the body and leave it cold
To draw the flesh off of the frame
Dirt and worm both have a claim...
In the movie, Stanley fought to have this performed a cappella. That is how he performed it last night. His entire band left the stage, leaving Stanley to sing this alone. Nothing could have been more evocative than to watch this 85 year old man, obviously determined to continue his art until his very last day, sing this plea to death for just a little more time. It was one of the most spine-tingling artistic moments I've ever witnessed.
The 38 seconds of video I took really doesn't do it justice:
There was a time in my life when I would have been loathe to admit I was reading The Seven Habits of Highly Influential People. Those were the days when acting smart and hip was at least theoretically a possibility for me, long before I first time looked at a photograph of myself and noticed how much I looked like my fat, bald Republican engineer brother. The surprising upside of getting older is the freedom to be a total square.
Had I seen someone reading this book when I was 23 there is no doubt I would have judged them. Why? For one thing, it is classified in the management section of the bookstore and if there is anything I knew it was that business was for drunken nitwits wearing baseball caps and lightweights with Gordon Gecko hair. Seven Habits also seemed to have one toe in the self-help genre, a cottage industry that solely exists to shovel pat generalizations down the gullets of the gullible and weak. Finally, the author, Stephen Covey, is devoutly Mormon, which everyone knows is the least questioning and most square of all our American tribes.( Read more...Collapse )