Why I am reading about Buddhism again.
I won't deny that during my last week of work I settled some scores.

I have written about B____, the conspicuously crazy woman who at one point said I sexually harassed her-- part of her attempt to lobby for a boss who would be more understanding about her showing up whenever she wanted and ignoring deadlines. (Later, shortly after I got married, she joked at a Christmas party that she and I were going to "get drunk and make out in the back.")

Three days before my last day, I passed her in the hallway. I had tried to smooth things over with her the week before but B____, always the victim, screamed that I needed to apologize to her and ran out of her office bawling. (I was supposed to apologize to her because I outsourced a job she was supposed to do and predictably forgot about.) As she ran out of the room, I yelled after her, "Remember when I used to sexually harass you?"

So I stopped her in the hallway and just let her know that, three years ago, a member of the Board of Directors took me to lunch and explicitly told me to lay her off at the end of her probation because of her behavior. I let B____ know that I refused, thinking I was doing the right thing by sticking my neck out, and that it was a huge mistake she made me pay for. "Who should apologize now?" I said. I then added, "Never EVER speak to me ever again. And go fuck yourself."

That same week I had run into a former coworker who had moved on to greener pastures about two years ago. She told me how the environment there turned her into someone she didn't recognize: Confrontational, testy, unfriendly. I thought about this statement and realized that this was a really good insight-- I, too, found myself acting in ways there that weren't exactly natural to me. Even though B____ earned every word I said to her (and had she not run off the bawl in the bathroom, she would have heard more) it probably wasn't the most evolved thing I've ever done.

I had never worked in a place where I detested so many people and so many people detested me. There were two main camps (my bosses and my former friend, Lisa)-- my boss not trusting me because of my association with Lisa, and Lisa ended up not trusting me because I was insufficiently spiteful towards my boss and her arch-nemesis. I ended up forming a rump third camp, mistrusted by everyone.

For this very reason-- and because of my anxiety and frustration about selling my house-- I realized that I needed to remember how not to get so wrapped up in these emotions. The central message of Buddhism--be mindful of what you're doing and why-- is probably a good one for me to think about right now...